Closing Distance and an Unsettling Morning - 4
The engagement between Cyril and me, was decided when I was ten years old. Several noble daughters were gathered in the royal castle's garden to greet in order to decide the fiancée of the crown prince.
At that time, my mother was already feeling unwell, so I think my father took me to the royal castle. It had been ten years, so my memories are faint, but I remembered being gently rocked in a carriage with my father.
My father remained as taciturn as ever, and I cowered in fear of him.
I wanted to believe he didn't dislike me, but I wasn't so sure.
That day, we finished only with greetings and introductions with Cyril and returned to the ducal residence. I couldn't exchange more than greetings with him. I was nervous and not the type to approach Cyril first.
Other children surrounded Cyril and eagerly talked to him, though.
My father didn't particularly scold me for that. Then, a few days later, a letter came from the royal family saying I had been chosen as the fiancée.
I felt incredulous. But considering our status and age, it seemed reasonable.
My mother stroked my bewildered hair and said, "Cyril-sama is a prince. Princes are meant to protect princesses. Chloe is my princess. So, everything will be fine," in a singing tone.
My mother's voice was light like a spring breeze, always with a mysterious resonance as if humming a song.
I liked my mother's voice.
Just as Julius seemed to like my voice, I felt calm listening to my mother's voice.
"I and Cyril-sama, well... how should I put it... There wasn't any passionate love or affection, I feel. Just a normal engagement... Though I'm not even sure what a 'normal' engagement is. We exchanged letters seasonally, and gifts on birthdays, that was about it. The duchy where the capital and the ducal residence are located is a bit far apart, so unless he intended to come to see me, we could go without meeting me for a long time."
"...And you? What about your feelings for Cyril?"
"Feelings like liking or loving... I don't really understand them. Since Aliza-chan came when I was thirteen, I've always been frightened. Always thinking when I'd lose my place... my place to belong. Trying not to get in my father's or Lizaria-san's or Aliza-chan's way, always putting on a fake smile, saying 'Yes' or 'I see,' nothing more. ...Even though there wasn't a place for me to belong from the start. It was foolish."
I sighed and chuckled a little.
Julius glanced back at me. Looking at me with the moonlight behind him, Julius seemed like a messenger descended from the sky. It felt somewhat painful in my chest. I couldn't bear to look at Julius's face and rolled over.
"Even at school, I was pretty much the same. Not really 'friends'... no, not at all. Just trying not to stand out among the group of noble female students in my grade. Desperately trying to cover up, saying 'I'm harmless.' Scared of losing my place... But in the end, I never had a place wherever I went."
"I see."
I thought he might say something mocking or exasperated, but Julius only gave a short reply. There was neither a mocking tone nor a condescending one. Yet, there was no sympathy or pity either. It sounded like he was accepting the facts calmly.
"Cyril-sama did talk to me at school, but... He was more into things like swordsmanship and horsemanship, more masculine pursuits, so it seems he went on long rides on days off. I don't have any memories of spending time together. I guess I was just seen as an engagement partner who didn't complain and was obedient. It might be the proper way for noblewomen, I suppose."
"I see. In any case, school seems like a troublesome place. ...I'd rather be on the battlefield."
"It doesn't seem like something suited for you, Julius-san. I can't imagine you going to school."
"Isn't there a certain level of education already completed by the age of ten without the need to go to such a place?"
"What we learn at school is more advanced than basic education, I suppose... And then, things like history, literature, things that you might think aren't useful for you, Julius-san. Also, learning manners and etiquette among nobles, expanding connections, I guess. That's what those three years were like."
"What a waste."
"If you don't do wasteful things, wouldn't you get bored with too much time on your hands?"
I chuckled, placing a hand over my mouth at Julius's typical response.
It was reassuring that he spoke to me as usual, as if he had forgotten about my teary face from earlier. I hoped he had indeed forgotten. I wanted to forget about feeling pathetic and crying, just for today.
"When Aliza-chan entered school... she became fast friends with Cyril-sama. She's such an energetic girl, so it seems they went on long rides together. Aliza-chan had just become a noble, so she probably wanted to stay close to him as much as possible. I remained the same as always. Always quiet. ...I was probably disliked by Aliza-chan. ...Eventually, rumors spread that I was being mean to her ...Still, I kept silent."
"That's nonsense. And foolish."
"Yeah, looking back now, it seems incredibly foolish. ...But at the time, my family and school were my whole world. I was scared. Scared of losing my place... of confronting something. My mother told me to run away from scary things, but I guess I ran too much."
"I'm not blaming you. The foolish one is your fiancé... It should be evident after a little conversation that you're a kind-hearted person. People don't change. You were foolishly kind back then too. I mean to say that your fiancé can't even understand that, is foolish... I always seem to be short of words."
There was a slightly puzzled tone in Julius's words.
It seemed like he was explaining the meaning of his words, worrying that he might have hurt me. He was kind, wasn't he? Being treated kindly made me want to cry again, so I wished he would stop.
"Thank you. After that, as I mentioned, I was abandoned in the capital and Natalia-san took me in. Natalia-san was a skilled mage and alchemist. She had black hair and pale pink eyes, and she was in her thirties. We lived together for about a month, and she taught me the basics of alchemy. I only knew Natalia-san's name, and then, one day, she suddenly disappeared."
"Did the people of the capital forgive you, a sinful Seigrit, eventually?"
"At first, I was disliked. Even when I went on errands as Natalia-san asked, nobody would sell me anything, and I was being harassed. ...But not everyone was bad. Julius-san, you were questioning earlier if there are humans worth protecting from monsters... "
"Yeah, I said that."
"But, Julius-san, humans aren't all that bad. Robert-san talked to me the same way as everyone else from the beginning and treated me equally. Roxy-san invited me in when I was in tatters and gave me food to eat. Roge-san... he came to me first when he opened his shop, asking for weapons to be strengthened."
"...So, three years."
"Yes. Three years. In the third year, I bought you. ...I wanted to become rich so, I wanted someone as strong as you for that purpose, just a passing thought. ...I'm sorry. To buy you for such a reason, I..."
As I said it, it felt incredibly shallow --- like I was a terrible person.
Julius reached out to me, gently stroking my hair as if touching something very precious. It felt nice, but it also made me a little nervous.
But it wasn't unpleasant.
"I'm glad to have been bought by you. ...I feel like I've returned to being human after a long time, it's a strange feeling. ...Chloe, I'm here now. I'm strong, so even if you're a little weak, I can protect you. ...So, just be yourself."
"Julius-san... Thank you. Let's expand the alchemy shop together. We'll choose a bride for Helios-kun, raise eggs... yeah, it'll definitely be fun, Julius-san."
Thinking about a bright and cheerful future made my heart feel lighter. The hand stroking my hair felt comforting, and a natural smile appeared on my lips.
I probably like Julius.
Admitting it is scary, but feeling Julius's warmth, my heart raced uncontrollably.
But if we could stay like this, together, just as we were now, then that's enough.
I'm scared of losing him someday. It's terrifying to ask for more. Until the day of our inevitable parting comes, if we can laugh and be together, that's enough.
If Julius felt even a little bit of happiness with me, then that was enough. Julius laid down on the bed, enveloping me in his arms.
I widened my eyes in surprise, my body tensing up like a stick.
"What's wrong... Is today the day we sleep together? This is indeed my bed, but this is a bit embarrassing, Julius-san. What's wrong, are you drunk after all?"
I panicked and blurted out things I didn't fully understand. It wasn't a joke, and my mind wasn't functioning properly. Julius didn't respond to my words, but tightened his embrace, holding me firmly in his arms.
I pressed my lips together, trying to avoid letting out a foolish voice in my confusion.
"Chloe... I'll protect you. No matter what."
"You really seem like a prince. I'm counting on you."
"...Now, sleep. Goodnight, Chloe."
Julius's voice was so gentle that I stopped debating whether to escape and simply relaxed my body. Perhaps today he wants to sleep with me as a pillow.
Let's just leave it at that.
Julius's body was warm, and being together with him felt comforting.
So I replied, "Goodnight." That usual farewell felt like something special tonight, something wonderful.